


to escape the transgressions

by plinys



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:33:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5370386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Alexander kisses him, it feels like absolution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to escape the transgressions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [selenedaydreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/selenedaydreams/gifts).



> Happy (early) Birthday bro!

He is not sure when exactly it starts, what finally puts the whole thing into motion, turning them from friends into something like _lovers_. He remembers the looks though - the way Alexander would turn his entire focus on him for – even if they were just for mere moments, they stole John’s breath away every time. Perhaps that was what started it, what caused him one day to breech the space between them and steal the smile from Alexander’s lips away.

Alexander kisses with the same passion that he writes with. Every kiss is rushed, but purposeful. He means to devour John’s very soul, and John would let him. If only to have another moment of his time.

It is the effect Alexander has on him, has on _people_.

The fates truly are cruel to have put this man before him, within John’s grasp for mere moments, knowing that one day he will slip away forever.

\---

“I am guilty of many sins,” he says, pressing his lips against Alexander’s collarbone, exposed in a rare moment by his disheveled state of dress. “But for you, I would commit many more.”

There’s a keening sound in the man underneath him, fingers tightening in John’s hair, causing him to still.

“Let me cleanse you of them,” Alexander begs of him. And when he looks up he is met with eyes that manage to somehow be mirthful and hopeful at the same time. A dictum that leaves John breathless.

“Always.”

He will tell Alexander later, when their have finished, of the wife he has overseas, the woman he could not love no matter how much he had tried. He will tell Alexander all of this and more, confess his deepest and darkest secrets in the dead of night. Lay his shames and burdens out for Alexander’s judgement.

When Alexander kisses him, it feels like absolution.

There is no one he has ever truly loved in the way he loves this man, and it scares him.

\---

The nights never seem quiet long enough.

By time the time John somehow manages to pull Alexander away from his work, mere hours before the sun is to rise again, they’re always in a rush. Never able to completely shed their layers, to explore each other’s bodies as John would desire.

Instead it’s hands fumbling with the front of breeches. Muffled gasps, biting down onto his lips to be sure the men in the other tents won’t hear. They finish each other off as quickly as possible, the coming down nearly as good as the high.

He imagines some nights, that one day he will be able to take Alexander apart properly. That they will lie together in a bed of their own making, that he will strip all the layers from him, see his lover’s true form. He will trace the ridges of Alexander’s spine with his lips, before lowering his mouth even further. Bringing pleasures from the man underneath him, pleasures the likes of which he has never experienced before.

John desires nothing more than to take Alexander apart.

He prays that one day he will have the time.

Though _praying_ never seems to work in their favor.

\---

In the end he had always expected to lose Alexander, in one way or another. It was inevitable. Two men like them, no, his deepest fantasies would not be possible.

That does not mean that reality hurts any less. That seeing Alexander, watching him love another, as ardently as John loves him, could be anything but painful.

“This changes nothing, my love for you is unending.” Alexander says those words like a promise. A promise that John will cling to later, when all hope leaves him.

He lets Alexander take him apart that night, fears with each passing second that this will be their last.

\---

He never wanted to be back in South Carolina, but refusing the opportunity would have been improper. Not when he has family here, family that desperate requests his presence to ease their suffering.

Still he cannot help but feel the endless miles between him and Alexander, Alexander who writes him letters daily, imploring him to return to him.

At night, in the privacy of his rooms, he takes himself in hand with one of Alexander’s letters set out before him. He starts by rereading the prose, focusing on the shapes of the letters, rushed as though Alexander couldn’t stand the thought of John being unable to understand his true feelings.

But his thoughts shift to those late nights, he can instead imagine Alexander at his desk, writing the letter out. Desperate for him, but unable to do anything about it. He wonders if Alexander would take these breaks, would lay in the bed in which they so often had lain together, and take himself in hand, and bring himself to the edge with the memories of their previous unions.

John can picture it well enough. Alexander’s hips canting ever so slightly off the too thin bed, muffling his gasps with the hand not currently occupied. He wonders if perhaps Alexander might dip his fingers in the oil that they keep hidden away for special occasions, if he breeches himself imaging that it John there whose hands hold him down and pleasure him.

He comes with a shout that he barely manages to muffle in time.

\---

Later that night he’ll write a letter, confess every feeling that he’s never been able to put into words. He’ll sign it with a flourish _eternally yours_ , before setting it upon his desk to have mailed in the morning.

But in the morning the war will come, he’ll forget all about the letter on the desk until they’re too far down the road to turn back. There’s a war to fight, and he must press on, the letter will be at his home, there when he returns.

Perhaps when the fighting is over, he can give Alexander the words of his heart.

Perhaps then they will have their chance to be something more than late nights and fantasies.

 


End file.
